Worst. Blind. Date. Ever.

One time...

I was 17. I had just moved back to the USA after living three years in Venezuela. It was summer time. My parents and I went to visit my brother and his family in a city I had never visited before. My brother was a football player for the college in the area and he decided to help me have some fun by setting me up on a blind date with his coach's son. I had never been on a blind date before. It sounded fun.

I am not a shy person so it wasn't too awful for me to meet Touchdown (fake name) and go on a blind date. I just assumed it would be a night at the movies. It was a night at the movies. Later I would feel like I was IN a movie with hidden cameras waiting for my reaction.

Touchdown had a really nice car. I don't know what kind because I don't care about cars. But it was good that he had a nice car because I spent a lot of time alone in it. We went to see "Independence Day" with Will Smith. It's an action movie with aliens attacking the Earth. While we are standing in line we made small talk and I find out Touchdown just graduated from High school.

Then he asks me "So what would you do if you had a full ride scholarship to Louisiana for football but your girlfriend begs you not to go so you stay and then a few weeks later she dumps you for another guy?"

Me: "Hmmm. I'm guessing your talking from experience. I would have to say do your best to get over it and move on."

He kept talking and I started getting little clues that he was not going to be a very fun date. Later during the movie he looked over at me and asked "Do you kiss on the first date?" If the truth be told, yes, I have kissed on the first date. But I wasn't about to tell Touchdown this. So I said "I'm watching the movie I can't talk right now." Lame answer. How about "No. I don't."

So after the movie we go get ice cream and again he asks me "Do you kiss on the first date?" UGH! I wish I would have just lied but I said "Not usually. What's your ex-girlfriends name?" That was one subject he was more than willing to dive into. He started talking about her new flame. He was a returned missionary and I remember at one point he said "I wonder if he's at her house right now? I should drive by her house and see if he's there."

"That's a great idea." I said sarcastically. He did not note the sarcasm and we were immediately off to her house. I wanted to go home but I thought it wouldn't take long. I told him to just drive by and see if his car was there. If it wasn't, good. If it was, just keep driving. He agreed. But as we drove by her house he saw that the new flame's truck was indeed there and he pulled into the driveway and said "I will just be a second." I was telling him it was a bad idea as he closed the door in my face.

It was a nice car and he did leave it running with the radio on. So thoughtful right? I watched him walk up the long driveway to her front door. Her mother answered and left him on the porch while she went to get her daughter. When she finally came out she had wet hair and a robe on. Later I found out she had been swimming with this new boyfriend. Touchdown immediately went crazy and started yelling at her. She tried to walk past him to go inside but he pushed her back and flipped her off right up in her face and called her a B*#@*. Then she really pushed her way through him and went inside. Touchdown started walking back to the car with a big scowl on his face. I was shocked and didn't know what to do. I had no idea where I was or how to get home. I didn't even know my brother's phone number to call him to come get me. This was before cell phones. So I just sat there watching him approach the car. Suddenly the girl's father came running out the door at Touchdown. He did not look happy. My date did not act like he heard him coming but instead of coming to the car he walked to the side of this big camper and out of my view. I knew the Dad had caught up to him, and I knew he was mad, and I knew I was alone in the car listening to music really missing Venezuela. I should have gotten out of the car and asked to use their home phone. But I didn't. I sat there for a very long, long, long time. Then the Dad went walking back inside. I should have run after him. But I didn't. I sat there for a long, long time. Finally Touchdown opens the door to get in. It was very awkward. I didn't know what to say or do. As he starts pulling away he said "That didn't go very well." I don't remember saying anything. He told me about how they had been swimming together and what a lame guy that return missionary was and how she was so lame for not seeing that. On and On. I was silent. Probably the climax of his monologue was when he said "We dated for three months. THREE MONTHS! I went up her shirt! When he said this he held his arm out with his hand in perfect cupping shape right in front of my face. He held it there for a few moments while he thought about the incident. Dead silence in the car. I can still see "the claw" (that's what I like to call it now) in front of my face and I was hoping he would put it down on his side of the car. Should I try to "high five" that "claw"? Are there hidden cameras waiting for my reaction right now? But before I could say or do anything Touchdown blurts out "I'm not going to kiss you." More silence. Then he quickly continued "Unless you want me to. I know how. There are these red cliffs that people drive up to and make out." Silence. I was thinking should I jump out of the car and just hope to find my way home. Should I laugh? Should I scream? He broke the silence again "No. We can't. Your brother would kill me." I find my voice and say "Yes. He would."

Touchdown: "But how would he ever find out? Look the cliffs are right up there. It wouldn't take long."

Me: "Well I told my parents I would be home soon so let's go ask them if I can stay out later and if they say yes, then, yes, we will go up there and make out."

He was fine with the plan and so he took me to my brothers house. I walked very fast to get inside before him. My parents and my brother were sitting in the front room but I walked straight past them and into the kitchen out of sight. Before they could follow me Tyson walked in and started talking to them. They talked about football and college and on and on. Finally my sister -in-law came into the kitchen and said Touchdown was waiting for me to come back out. I let her know there was no way I was going back out there. She was really good to me and went back to tell him that I was done for the night. He must have been shocked. I heard him leave. Then I could finally relax a little. I told my family the story and I could hardly believe it myself as I told it. I still can hardly believe it. It was an awful date. Cell phones are a really good invention.

Lost Key

This morning I got up at 3:15 AM to go running 16 miles. Around mile 13 I had to pee. It was very dark outside so I just went there on the side of the road. (green with envy for all you males standing all nonchalantly on the side of the road) When a car started coming I quickly got up and tried to pull my shorts up. In doing so I lost my key which had been in a little pocket. The ladies I was running with had gone ahead and I had to call one of them back to use her headlamp to try to find it. No luck. So we started running and I was thinking how much it was going to stink to get to my car and not be able to get in. After a short distance something scurried across the road and it made me and another lady jump. When I jumped I felt something odd... in an odd place. My key was in the spot between my underwear and the pre-installed underwear of my running shorts. Now when I lose something the ladies say "Did you check your underwear"?

Aunt Pearl teaches me how to wipe my bum

I lived with my Aunt Pearl for a few short months during college. I was planning on staying with her longer and try to keep her company and help out with the bills. I was paying for half the grocery bill and almost all the rent. At first things were going great. Then things got...weird. One time at work they were doing a food drive and I grabbed a couple bags of Ramen Noodles and she said

"You can't take those for the poor. We are the poor."

Okay, so I bought some food at the store to take for the food drive. When I got home from work she had a beautiful table set with her best dishes and a steak and shrimp dinner prepared. I was telling her how impressed and excited I was and started to sit down. Suddenly she was ushering me down the hall informing me that she had invited a man friend to dinner and that she would bring me dinner in my room.

I waited.

She brought me a warm baked potato with butter and salt and a nice glass of ice water. Then she started tracking my every phone call, and how long I left my light on in my room, and then.... how much toilet paper I was using.

She was adamant that I was using too much, and that all I really needed to use was one square. She must have looked at my face and noted that one eyebrow was way up there. She braved my challenging eyebrow and showed me exactly how it was to be done.

Now, Aunt Pearl was a prim and proper lady, talented, singer, pianist, artist, and cook. She had a boob job and several face lifts. Her hair and make up were always done just right. That was the Aunt Pearl I knew and loved. But she was transforming before my eyes as she ripped one square of toilet paper off the roll and proceeded to show me how I was too wipe my bum from now on.

"First. Fold the square in half. Then, in half again. Next, rip of the tip of the corner where all the folds meet. Now, you got to save that little piece. Don't just throw it away."

She unfolded the paper and held it up to me so that I could see the tip that she ripped off left a little hole.

My other eyebrow started to rise as she poked her long, freshly polished fingernail and long bony pointer finger through the hole. She looked me straight in the eye as she curled the finger back and forth while saying...

"Then you wipe your bum with your finger."

Both my eyebrows were fully raised now. Using her free hand she demonstrated how to curl the edges of the square up and around the finger and slide it off with a firm grip. The point being to wipe off any poo that by now would be alarmingly on my finger.

She looked around for bit and found the little piece she had ripped off. Once she found it she unfolded it to reveal a small circle and continued to instruct me...

"Just use this little piece to clean out from under your fingernail."

My eyebrows were furrowed. Her eyebrows were both raised with a smile of satisfaction and ingenuity on her face.

I moved out a few days later. Things were obviously not going to work out with me living there. We just had too many differences. I don't think SHE ever wiped her bum like that. I think she just wanted ME to do it.

After I moved out I received a package from Aunt Pearl that contained an ugly pair of red socks and a letter accusing me of stealing her white socks and replacing them with these ugly red socks. She also accused me of wearing her old lady clothes without permission and returning them dirty with stains and so on and so on. I didn't know how to prove my innocence. I felt terrible. Then she started accusing others of similar things. Several years later she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I was no longer upset that she accused me of stealing from her. However, I do get a little upset when I picture her manicured finger wagging in front of my face with one square of toilet paper purposefully skirting the base of it.

Wedding Speech

Twice in the last few weeks the story of my wedding speech has come up. Many of you already know this story but for those of you who don't.....
It was the night before our wedding. It was a dinner. Matt and I had dated for such a short time that many people on his side of the family were meeting me for the first time. After a nice dinner, Spencer (Matt's dad) stood up and introduced everyone on Matt's side of the family and said some cool things about Matt. Example: Matt was the youngest kid (5 years old) to hike into Havasupai with his own back pack. Then my Dad stood up and introduced all of us. Then people started chanting "speech, speech, speech." So Matt stood up and thanked everyone for coming and then said some nice things about me and how much he loved me. I was feeling good and smiling. Then they started saying "speech, speech, speech" again. I was not expecting this at all. Matt had said everything I would have said. I stood up behind Matt's chair (he was now sitting in it) and I couldn't think of anything to say. I was completely blank. I started scratching Matt's head with my new acrylic nails. Later Matt told me I kept sticking my fingernails in side his ears. I was still drawing a blank and laughing. Everyone kind of laughed along, thinking I was too emotional to speak. Not so. I was still blank. My mom tried to help out saying "This is the first time we've ever seen her speechless. ha ha ha." I was still blank. Matt is now squirming under my absent minded scratching. I felt the awkward tension rising. I started to get all hot. I thought I might faint. In retrospect that would have been better. Then like a beam of light shinning out of the darkness this memory comes calling out to me. I have no idea how my mind caught hold of this memory. Now let me explain this memory before I proceed.

A couple of weeks before, we had been visiting Gabby and Ben Blaire and Ben had said that in class whenever anybody said "This might sound kinda funny, but... I like ketchup on my ice cream (or something else out of the ordinary), he would like to say "This might sound kinda funny but... cheekita wakeiths blrrrrrritait bludmperding idnaot". (that means make really funny noises). I thought this was so funny when Ben said it. Back to my story. This memory came into my head, shining with hope and glory after a long, cold, dark lapse. I said "This might sound kinda funny but.... cheekita chikeatouena digho erludder ding" and then started laughing again. A few people courtesy laughed. The tension grew. I said "I love Matt and I'm glad he puts up with me" or something along those lines. And sat down. Later I watched the home video (tears streaming down my face thinking don't do it, don't do it). After I had said it you can hear someone say "Was that Chinese? Does she speak Chinese?" Oh how I wish it were Chinese and i was saying something as simple as "Thank you all for coming. I love Matt." I could not talk about this incident for about 3 years after it happened without getting nauseous and a little teary. But now I can laugh about it. Every time I have to speak in church I tell Matt that if I get a blank look and start to say "This might sound funny...." , just take me out! Tackle me if you have to, but don't let me do it ever again!