Aunt Pearl teaches me how to wipe my bum

I lived with my Aunt Pearl for a few short months during college. I was planning on staying with her longer and try to keep her company and help out with the bills. I was paying for half the grocery bill and almost all the rent. At first things were going great. Then things got...weird. One time at work they were doing a food drive and I grabbed a couple bags of Ramen Noodles and she said

"You can't take those for the poor. We are the poor."

Okay, so I bought some food at the store to take for the food drive. When I got home from work she had a beautiful table set with her best dishes and a steak and shrimp dinner prepared. I was telling her how impressed and excited I was and started to sit down. Suddenly she was ushering me down the hall informing me that she had invited a man friend to dinner and that she would bring me dinner in my room.

I waited.

She brought me a warm baked potato with butter and salt and a nice glass of ice water. Then she started tracking my every phone call, and how long I left my light on in my room, and then.... how much toilet paper I was using.

She was adamant that I was using too much, and that all I really needed to use was one square. She must have looked at my face and noted that one eyebrow was way up there. She braved my challenging eyebrow and showed me exactly how it was to be done.

Now, Aunt Pearl was a prim and proper lady, talented, singer, pianist, artist, and cook. She had a boob job and several face lifts. Her hair and make up were always done just right. That was the Aunt Pearl I knew and loved. But she was transforming before my eyes as she ripped one square of toilet paper off the roll and proceeded to show me how I was too wipe my bum from now on.

"First. Fold the square in half. Then, in half again. Next, rip of the tip of the corner where all the folds meet. Now, you got to save that little piece. Don't just throw it away."

She unfolded the paper and held it up to me so that I could see the tip that she ripped off left a little hole.

My other eyebrow started to rise as she poked her long, freshly polished fingernail and long bony pointer finger through the hole. She looked me straight in the eye as she curled the finger back and forth while saying...

"Then you wipe your bum with your finger."

Both my eyebrows were fully raised now. Using her free hand she demonstrated how to curl the edges of the square up and around the finger and slide it off with a firm grip. The point being to wipe off any poo that by now would be alarmingly on my finger.

She looked around for bit and found the little piece she had ripped off. Once she found it she unfolded it to reveal a small circle and continued to instruct me...

"Just use this little piece to clean out from under your fingernail."

My eyebrows were furrowed. Her eyebrows were both raised with a smile of satisfaction and ingenuity on her face.

I moved out a few days later. Things were obviously not going to work out with me living there. We just had too many differences. I don't think SHE ever wiped her bum like that. I think she just wanted ME to do it.

After I moved out I received a package from Aunt Pearl that contained an ugly pair of red socks and a letter accusing me of stealing her white socks and replacing them with these ugly red socks. She also accused me of wearing her old lady clothes without permission and returning them dirty with stains and so on and so on. I didn't know how to prove my innocence. I felt terrible. Then she started accusing others of similar things. Several years later she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I was no longer upset that she accused me of stealing from her. However, I do get a little upset when I picture her manicured finger wagging in front of my face with one square of toilet paper purposefully skirting the base of it.